my baby

baby boys, it seems, usually beat any doctor mandated deadlines and say hi to moms and dads at least 10 days before they are due. my boy sure did the same, crying his way into the world in the early hours of a March morning. it was like in the movies and was not! i spent an all nighter waiting up. when i held him, he cried. are babies supposed to laugh when they see their dads for the first time? guess not! dads may eventually deny them pocket money for any silly thing, so it may be best to not smile or become too friendly, he must have thought! i don't know if i will make a good dad or not, but i have minimal expectations of him and myself. he can play and skip lessons, just pass will do. i will show him how to lead an honest life, and show respect and kindness for others. the rest, he will have to figure out along the way. i don't know whether he will respect me or take care of me in my old age -- all the classic precepts that sons ought to follow in our tradition. but dads, i realize now that i am one myself, don't raise their sons or daughters expecting this. they do in spite of them. what is being a good son or daughter? is it to obey unconditionally whatever you parents say? is it loving them despite the scoldings and the hard times? i am not sure. by all conventional accounts, i could be said to be a rebellious son, who drove his parents crazy. did i love my dad? do i now that he is no more? what has love got to do with it? my son will negotiate the same treacherous waters of loving and hating, and all the greys in between. if he comes out of all those with some love intact for his dad, maybe it will show that i have a good parent after all. if not, i can conveniently blame it on karma, my past sins, his et al. the one sure things is this...there is no need to be judgemental about these things. children need to be accepted unconditionally, whatever their and our shortcomings. i hope i will just let him be.

back to the wall

today, the walls enclose me. my screams against injustice are choked. the walls move in ever closer, squeezing what little space there is. i want to get on with living, to be able to live in peace. i want everything of the past to bury itself. i want a life filled with hope. i have struggled all these years. i have faced strangers, friends, colleagues, family squarely and stood my ground. now the ground beneath my feet has disappeared. i am standing, but there is nothing to stand on, stand for. i want to live in peace, filled with peace and joy. enough is enough. is there a way to buy happiness, peace, to skip despair and run, fly! i have forgotten how to! i did not do it as a child, i was too wrapped in earning a living, honestly. now, i have responsibilities that i cannot run away from. i need someone to say i am fine as i am, without dragging money, fame, character etc into the bargain. i want to be accepted, not judged. please let me live my life in small, little, unnoticeable ways. i won't ask you for money, for your time, for your advice, for work, nothing. just let me morph into a butterfly that i always dreamed of becoming. please let me live just once!